Children of Terror: An Essay
*I'd like to begin this essay by letting you know that this can be considered dark, grim, and uncomfortable for some. If you have experienced abuse or have someone in your life who has, this is for you. All of this. I hope something touches you as you read it.
Strong minded people can do certain things to cope. Some can become awake, if they don’t sleep too
deeply, and simply change a recurring dream. Some can bury the terror in chests, locked with as many
mechanisms as they can imagine, chained shut.
But sometimes, even for strong people, it will manifest in ways that may go unnoticed to some.
They have problems trusting, letting go, relaxing, or being in vulnerable situations.
They have problems confronting almost any internal feeling especially when it is positive,
and find it hard to share.
They are usually honest people, but can lie easily, especially to protect themselves.
Most will do things to make them feel strong. Some carry weapons or train in things like
hand to hand combat. Some avoid physical things at all costs, even affection, afraid that the chains
may snap loose at the jolt of being in those types of situations again.
Children who experienced terror often end up in situations similar to those because they at least know
what to expect. Sometimes, they may think that by changing the outcome of the new situation,
they can help break the binds of the old one. This is never the case.
The bands can be healed and lessened, but never broken.
They have formed your mind and molded your broken spirit into something it wasn’t before.
This doesn’t make them broken playthings for someone else to mold.
This can make them dangerous, in a multitude of ways, should they so choose.
Some of those children will seek to thrill the pain away,
letting themselves let go in dangerous situations or attempting to exercise some control in these situations
to dull the pain of the binds. Because make no mistake, the binds bring so much pain.
Some of these children will avoid the things that make their hearts pound, reminding them
of the previous pains.
Sometimes it is another person who recognizes these binds and drags out your inner child,
into the light, forcing them from the dark confines you shoulved them into.
Sometimes it is through aid of a therapist or journaling that this child is drug out and made to be bare.
Most of these children are creatives and find it easy to be themselves in fictitious worlds crafted by other
creatives. They will feel a strong pull to these worlds, sometimes stronger than the world around them.
And then, these children will construct worlds around themselves.
It can be through words, pictures, movement, through it all.
These children crave outlets. They struggle between wanting no one to see them because that’s safer, and
a strong desire to shine so brightly it blinds those around them to prove that the binds aren’t the only
true things about them anymore.
The world they construct is for safety, though it’s just another means of hiding so as not to jolt the chains.
They crave the light but are often so uncomfortable, they either won’t seek it or will retreat back to the
darkness. Darkness will mean safety for the chains and the chains must protect themselves.
Uniformity and conforming to those around them are ways that they seek the darkness.
Others may seek to change things about their appearance in an effort to blend in with what they feel
is normal in their constructed world view. This can also be a way to shed some of the ties of terror.
Their innermost thoughts are not shared for fear of frightening their loved ones.
They will seek out people who do not know of their terror, either to avoid any pity or to avoid having to
confront it when it inevitably comes up.
For people who have not known terror or who have never experienced that type of terror, it is difficult to
understand why sharing these things is like ripping out pieces of your soul and handing it to them.
They cannot understand how the chain will spread to them, binding them to the terror.
These children form the unhealthiest attachments. These can be to people who remind them of the terror
or to people who are simply not worthy, because they don’t consider themselves enough.
Enough will be like a foul word.
Enough, worthy, happy, content- the terror convinces them these things are dangerous, more dangerous
than the original terror.
How do you feel worthy as a broken thing?
Pain can be normal, as normal as the day fading to night.
Some of these children, if not most, will seek to harm themselves.
Most of their scars won’t be physical but mental and emotional.
They seek these scars out instead of letting them happen naturally, to rul out the terror and try
and prove that they are more in control than they truly are.
They will shrink from decisions but be able to make hard decisions easily.
They will shrink from taking the lead, but people will listen when they do.
Their charm could turn tides and they become like chameleons, able to make themselves fit
within whatever space they feel they need to at the time, not always realizing that is terror’s chains
keeping themselves safe.
They will try to lessen their muchness, seeking to stay small and unseen.
There’s so much safety in being invisible.
Often, they will sit and simply observe in social situations, not sure how to be present without
showing too much or drawing too much attention. Other times, the need to be heard rules that out
and their munches becomes so large no one knows how to take it.
This can happen at strange times and be just as confusing to them as the people around them.
These children will often seek refugee in alcohol or drugs, not just for the darkness it eventually
brings, but because it dulls out the buzz in their minds.
The buzz is never ending, ever present, deafening.
This isn’t just comprised of the terror inside them but also of the world around them in it’s entirety.
There are moments of sun- bright clarity and moments of darkness so black you fear
it might swallow you whole or make you go blind, never to see color or beauty again.
There are times spent laughing until it physically hurts, head back, shoulders shaking.
But there are also times when they find themselves sitting in the shower floor, hugging their knees
to their chests, sobbing into the water, desperately just trying to get warm .
There will be moments where it seems like the terror has retreated and the darkness is brighter
and moments where it’s hold is so strong it feels as if you’re that child again, fighting to be free.
These children stay stuck between the rock and hard place of safety and a freedom they crave, fighting
for balance on a tight rope no one prepared them to walk, knowing there is no net if they fall.
Fear becomes their measuring tape to being on the right path,binding to the chains keeping
the memories at bay.
To these children, you are not alone, nor were you ever.
Your muchness is beautifully in a blindingly stunning way.
There’s a quote that says “The sun doesn’t care who it blinds” and that is your muchness.
Your muchness doesn’t need to always stay hidden for you to stay safe.
That is terror talking and terror is wrong. Terror is a liar.
The terror is a part of you and helped make you, but doesn’t have to keep defining you.
You can be free. You just have to allow yourself.
To those of you who love children of terror, there are things you should know.
To do that, I have to change the tone a bit.
You are seen.
Each time you make sure they ate that day or slept that night.
Each time you don’t scowl at the weapon they keep close to them or try to discourage them from having.
You are seen and you are loved, deeper than words could ever go.
These children will fall short, know that they recognize this and it is painful for them, though they might
not always know how to show you that. Know that they know it is hard to love them sometimes, but
it only deepens their love for you when you keep trying.
Know that there are times when terror’s grip is so strong, there is nothing but the fear.
They don’t mean to let it cancel everything else out, it just does.
Know they wish they could rid themselves of the terror, if only to love you better.
Know they sometimes dread sleeping next to you for fear their tossing might disturb your peace and
they don’t want you that close to their terror. Know that they know their need for constant reassurance
can be annoying, but terror constantly whispers to them, threatening to come out.
Know that we feel you lying next to us as we jerk awake from terror’s reach into our dreams.
We feel you kiss our shoulders, hear you whisper you are there so we know that we are safe.
We feel you lying awake next to us, trying to fight our unseen monsters for us, though you may not know
their faces.
They feel you put yourself between them and terror, often with logic that irritates them.
We feel you grab hold of us and try to steady us as you slip your arm around us walking down the street.
We see you wanting to make us feel safe and protected not just from
the old terrors, but from new ones too.
We see you reaching out to us, trying to pull us out of the dark times, towards you, and back into the light.
Know that we desperately want to grab your hand and let you, though most of us don’t want to be saved
or viewed as if we need to be. KNow that we want to be safe, and mostly safe with you.
Know that sometimes we can be so terrified of our own thoughts and memories, we hide them
because we wonder how you could possibly understand something we don’t even understand
about ourselves. We will wonder how you will be able to not see us as broken things, especially if you
don’t have terror’s grip. We will sometimes let terror tell us that you do see us as broken, fit to be
whatever you want.
Know that we don’t hold back just to keeep the chains tight, but also to protect you.
We love you so fiercely that the idea of terror’s grip on your mind is stronger than our desire to give i
n to your need to see.
Know that you are loved more than we fear terror’s grip.
Know that our honesty that feels blunt or harsh is just a way of showing our trust.
Know that we do strive to control our tempers but find it easy to act without thinking it all the way through.
Know that we aren’t lying when we tell you we really don’t know why we do things sometimes.
Know that the terror’s whispers get so loud we cannot distinguish it from our own inner voice.
Know that we don’t mean to let our terror make yours feel less important.
We know it isn’t a competition over who is the most damaged.
Know that we wish every day we could see what you see when you look at us.
Know that we desperately wonder what it is you see and how you could possibly see anything beautiful
through the broken cracks.
Know that the cracks sometimes make us feel more fragile than we let on and are aching
when we realize sometimes you can see them.
Know that we want to be strong, for you. Know we don’t want to lean on you when things happen
because terror has already shown us you, leaving us behind.
Know that at least once, we have wondered what will become of us when you change your mind.
Know that everyone before you has and terror shows us that too.
Know we want to be better, brighter, healed, normal. But normal is just a setting on the dryer
and we have no idea how to get there. Know that we are trying.
Know that sometimes when we isolate and lock ourselves away, we aren’t always giving into the terror
but are trying to protect others from it.
Know that even on a good day, the terror is always fighting us, just more quietly.
Know that we would get rid of the terror if we could but parts of us wonder how we would live without it.
After all, the terror is what was supposed to keep us safe.
Know that we will throw ourselves into our work, not to hide from or avoid you, but to keep busy.
In this way we are like sharks, craving the movement as a necessity, otherwise we will inevitably sink
and die.
Know that it isn’t committing to or loving you that scares us but the expression of how much you mean
to us being turned into a weapon, no matter how much our hearts try and convince us you won’t,
because terror insists you will.
Know that we don’t intend to be cruel, but realize that our dark natures come out when we are pushed
so we try to avoid these confrontations with you. Know that sometimes we may say things in a flippant
manner that hurt you because our inner monologue is usually leaning towards the harsh and dark humor.
Know that sometimes we forget what we are doing or saying, even in the middle of a task, because
our minds are moving a million miles a minute- trying to outrun the terror- and we’ve already started
trying to process something else.
Know that listening to music that matches our bad moods instead of uplifting us is just an attempt to
connect to the world around us so we don’t feel so alone.
Know that each time we are left, terror grabs your words and images, tucking them away to play out over
and over again long after you’re gone.
Know that we are quick to respond with anger because it’s always just beneath the surface, fighting
with terror’s grip, not because we are always angry at you.
Children of terror find it easier to look at things as black and white with very little shades of grey and tend
to judge very harshly things we think are wrong and have a hard time letting go of preconceived notions.
Lastly, all of the terrors are different, even when the situation is based the same, so it is hard to find
people who could ever actually understand.
Know that these children walked through hellfire and brimstone of the unholiest kind
and came out on the other side forever changed.
They don’t need you to save or change them, they need you to accept them as they are.
They simply need your presence. Their strength is relentless, though they may seem delicate at times.
Remember that terror has a face now, sometimes more than one.
The majority of the time it is someone we know, someone we trusted, and often a face we loved.
These children live among us, attempting each day to combat an internal war that
never should have been theirs in the first place.
Many don’t know how to take ownership of it and there are some actively
working to try and beat the war.
Be patient. Be who you needed when you were a child. But most of all be kind.
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